I’m Still Here

May 24, 2021

3 min read

I lost my mom almost six months ago. I miss her every day! If I stop to think about her my eyes whelp up and I start to cry. I know this is part of the mourning process. That this will be the rest of my life. I accept that. I am ok with that.

I want that in fact! Because I don’t want to ever get to a place where I don’t remember her anymore.

I know it has to be a healthy balance of missing her. I can see how it can be too hard for a child with missing their mom or dad or both. And because of that they no longer want to live in a world without their parent.

Honestly, that was me. At first. No, I didn’t contemplate death by suicide. But I didn’t want to be here without my mother at the same time. It hurt so much. Knowing she was gone. Knowing I’d never hear her say my name. Knowing I’d never see her beautiful face. It hurt so much.

It still does.

But I know there is so much life left to be lived. My mom wouldn’t want me giving up. Not because she’s no longer here. Not because the cancer has come back and the chemo can be so hard on my mind and body. Not for anything.

My mom was a fighter. She had a hard life. But she never gave in or up. Nor will I! Despite the pain from losing her. Despite the pain of cancer and cancer treatment. Despite life. I’ll always give it 110%, but that’s what HOPE is all about.

I had a dream last night or this morning. I wasn’t sleeping well due to pain in my upper right back shoulder area. I think it may have been bone pain from the chemo. I wrestled with sleep, so to speak. But when I finally did sleep I had a dream, a very bizarre dream with my mother in it.

I can’t remember it well but what I can remember was giving my mom CPR and her breathing, barely. I was able to save her. But she wasn’t my mother. It was almost as if she was a baby. Like still in the womb. Her eyes weren’t yet quite developed. But I was able to help breath life into her.

I did say it was bizarre.

I am no dream interpretator. I do not know what that dream means. But I do know that maybe I wish I could have been with her the day that she died. Because maybe I could of helped. Maybe I could saved her. Maybe she wouldn’t have died. And maybe that’s why I had the dream I had.

I know that we can’t go back. I know that what could have happened is just that and it can’t change the present. I lost my mom. She died because a vicious contagious disease got inside her body and her body was too weak to fight it off. It seems like a very bad bad bad dream to me. But it is reality. My mom is gone.

But I’m still here. I have to believe that’s because I still have things the good Lord above has yet for me to do, to accomplish. And as much as this pain of living in a world without my mom remains I will keep on living. I will keep on fighting, while praying and hoping that this battle with cancer is finally coming to an end and I’ll not have to endure it any longer — because truly third times a charm. And I’ll be in remission for the rest of my life.

Though, if that were to not be the case I’ll still keep moving forward doing my best to leave a positive mark in this world. I imagine my mom expecting nothing less. 😊

Oh dear readers, I am still here. And so are you. Let’s go out out and seize the day — making it the best we possibly can. For ourselves, for those we have lost along the way, and for a better future for those we will one day leave behind.

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This is a pic of me and my mom. She went with me to D.C. to advocate for ovarian cancer awareness, back in 2013.

And the other pic was taken last week. Chemo #5 done! Praise God! One. More. To. Go.