Not that long ago I was speaking to a friend of mine. Without going into what our conversation was about I’ll just say that after I said something to them, they replied with: “Maybe I need help” and that is what this blog is about.
See, I do believe this person would benefit from help. And by help, I mean therapy. BUT guess what? I feel the same about ALL of us. Like, maybe not children but I would go as far as saying teenagers and up could benefit from therapy, too. And YES, that includes me – as I am part of ALL of us.
Getting help for our mental wellbeing is not a bad thing even if, unfortunately, it can still have a negative connotation to it as it has a stigma that goes with it. There is this fear of being judged if you go to a therapist. Some jobs may even penalize one for seeking therapy. Like with air traffic controllers, which I only recently learned about when watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (whether you like that guy or not his show is on point with things that matter and can be very informative, #justsayin) Now, outside of that profession there are other professions, like first responders, who may be hesitant to seek therapy as one couple I met, when I was driving for Uber, told me. They worked as EMT’s (emergency medical technicians – the ones that are in the ambulances) and spoke about the stress of their job (they gave me some examples of the things that they see on the regular and I can’t even imagine what that would be like) and how they have seen how those who do take off to see a therapist are treated and it’s not in a good way. Which is such a tragedy. I mean, that job along with police officers and correctional officers have high rates of divorce and suicide due to the nature of their jobs so the last thing they need is to feel as if they are seen as somehow weak or not cut out for the job due to being honest about their mental health and wellbeing. Further, how much better would they be able to handle the stressors of their jobs (and personal life) if they were supported instead of judged?
Of course, that is just one example of where mental help stigma still exists, which is within certain professions. But what about different cultures? Can it be seen there too? Yes, absolutely! Again, while I was driving for Uber, I had a long conversation with an African American male passenger. Not sure how we got onto the subject of mental health but when we did start talking about it, he told me that he sees a therapist but that he doesn’t talk about it too much because when he did share with his friends, they called him crazy. He told me that there are still a lot of people in the African American community, within that culture, who think of mental health as not a real issue. But it’s not just in that community or culture. You can see it in the Arabic, the Hispanic and the Native American cultures too. Honestly, I do not think there is one race that is extremely accepting of the need to seek mental health help. That said, there is evidence of there being disparities within different races (I’ll make sure to add the link to where I got that source from at the end of this blog) but I’ll digress on that now.
[Let me also say that I’d never think of friend as crazy for wanting to seek help with going to a therapist. I am not sure -- as naïve on the subject matter as I was when I was growing up or as stubborn as I used to be with thinking I didn’t personally need therapy, when clearly I can tell you I definitely would have benefited from it throughout my adult years -- that I just could have ever seen myself being that way towards someone I love or even with someone I barely knew. I think it’s about being compassionate and sympathetic and empathetic. So, please do your best not to judge or put down someone that shares with you that they are considering therapy or are seeing a therapist. If you love that friend or family member or colleague or whomever it may be, be supportive as you would hope they would be supportive if roles were reversed.]
Now, unfortunately, I have heard people in the Christian faith say: “All you need is Jesus and you will be right as rain” or "You just have to have more faith in God!" but here’s the thing, just because we have a strong faith doesn’t mean the ways of this world can’t get us down from time to time. I have heard of pastors/preachers who deal with depression and even once heard of a man that was in a Christian praise and worship band that spoke openly about the depression he dealt with, and I heard he helped many by being so open. Sadly, he did die by suicide. Being a Christian or one strong in whatever faith we believe in doesn’t mean we are free from fear or sadness or anxiety or any of the many other things that can be going on with us. I wish it wasn’t the case (I'm not saying one's faith doesn't help at all -- it can as I have seen it in my own life. While at the same time, in addition to one's faith maybe getting help by way of therapy can add to that help), but it is and that is okay because it doesn’t make us less Christian or someone that somehow has less faith. Personally, I feel that it is dangerous thinking and adds to the stigma that can cause people not to get help.
Anyway, we are human and while we are on this planet life can – and will – be hard. I do not think any of us are immune to that reality. The type of hard will vary. A cop or a fight fighter or an EMT or military service member in a combat zone or an emergency room nurse and doctor may undoubtedly have harder days than a teacher or a banker or a receptionist or a real estate agent. BUT and this is a big BUT, it doesn’t take away the fact that ALL of then will have some days that are harder than others. And maybe a lot of them even wonder if anyone even understands the things that they go through. That is why, beautiful readers, I do believe that we all need help.
Especially, when you consider that we deal with things on the daily more and more that can have us feeling overwhelmed, feeling alone, feeling depressed, feeling anxious, feeling frustrated, and feeling as if the world is going crazy. And that’s not just how I feel some days. 😉 But also how my friends feel and reading or watching what people post online. The fact that social media and the constant influx of news being part of the problem doesn’t help either. I mean, have you read some of the comments people post? Seriously, people find it so easy to be mean, rude, and even nasty behind their keyboards. I can’t but think that they would definitely benefit from some therapy. Maybe a lot of therapy, but I digress.
If we were to all look in the mirror and see that it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ask for help – something I did this past year – I just can’t help but feel that the world would be a better place if that was to happen. It doesn’t mean we would magically be better overnight. No, it takes time to get better or rather to be in a better place, mentally. I see it kind of like when we decide to get into shape. We don’t see the best results after one or two or even just a few weeks after getting serious with exercising. It takes time as it should. It’s not a process that should be rushed. When I was in the military I wasn’t just told to run two miles and do some pushups and sit-ups and shoot a gun and I’d all of a sudden be ready to be a soldier and ready to be military police. Of course that’s not how it works! We had to train and train and train and train with blood, sweat, and tears! There were days I didn’t know if I was going to make it, but I never gave up! I never quit! I got stronger and I got faster, and I got better … with time!
I see it that way with the brain. When we seek help with a therapist or even a psychiatrist it is the first step to getting stronger and better with what is going on with our mental wellbeing. We are NOT crazy for seeking help. But we might just go crazy if we don’t.
That may apply to some more than others, which is evident in stories we hear (almost) all the time now about someone that did the unthinkable in harming others and how the warning signs were there that they needed help but didn’t get it. Maybe they wanted help but were too afraid to ask? Maybe they wanted help, but no one believed them? Maybe they wanted help but didn’t know where to go to get it? Every story is different.
My point? Wanting to get help is not wrong! Getting help is to help you understand the things that you have (maybe) repressed from childhood trauma or from being in an abusive relationship or if you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from being in combat or from going through something traumatic; for me it was going through cancer three times and all that came with it. Or maybe it’s from the stress of the job you have. There are many reasons why we may want to seek help. It doesn’t always have to be because someone is schizophrenic or bipolar or antisocial or any of those more serious mental health issues. I tend to believe most of us just want someone to talk to that won’t judge us with the things we share and how we feel.
That is why talking to someone that is not a friend or family member or someone we work with is best. I’m not saying those people can’t be there for us. They can and can help us a little, but … at the end of the day they are biased as they are people that know and love us; therefore, they won’t be able to give us the best possible help. A therapist is going to listen to you and want the best for you but will always be nonbiased and tell you things you may not want to hear (and I get why some may not want to seek therapy for that reason alone). Like, what if in therapy you discover that you are a selfish, arrogant, self-centered person who seeks attention because of insecurities and narcissistic traits? Or that you seek relationship after relationship after relationship because of fear of abandonment but in being that way you are hurting people that think you love them but really, you are with them because you don’t know how to be by yourself -- which can cause co-dependency. Or that you doubt yourself and think lowly of yourself because of how a parent or a former partner treated you? Or that you have attachment issues. I can see (and I know) how scary that can be. But if one truly wants to be healthy with others it is learning to be heathy (and honest) with ourselves first. Yes? Yes!
I really believe that people, generally and genuinely, want to be better versions of themselves. And sometimes some may not, truly, see things about themselves until those things are shown to them by a professional therapist, even if everyone and their dog (or cat) had pointed those things out to them at one time or another. We humans are funny like that.
Now, I know that therapy may not be for everyone. I get that. I didn’t like it at first. I was expecting my therapy session to be like it is in the movies or on television with there being a nice sofa, soft music in the background and maybe some lavender incense in the air with the room being not dark but definitely not bright. But that was not the case. Granted it was at the VA hospital. And at the VA hospital that I went to, the lights were VERY bright! I sat on a chair that felt like I was in the school principal’s office. It was uncomfortable, literally! I didn’t like it so much so that I didn’t go back for a few years. But it was good that I eventually went back as it was after finishing up treatment for a third time with cancer and after my mom died (and a few other family members had passed away as well, including one of my two cats😢.) Suffice it to say, I was a different person the second time I went. I was a person that was scared to get help but reached a place where I knew I NEEDED help.
On the day of my appointment, I cried a lot as I was telling the psychiatrist all that I had been bottling up – even stuff that stemmed from when I was in the Army, over twenty years ago. I felt embarrassed as I am not one to let just anyone see me cry. Which is ironic as I am quite sensitive and emotional. But being brought up by a strong single mother and being in the miliary and having the jobs I have had, well, had me thinking I was too strong to cry in front of people, as if crying was equated to weakness. Which is so NOT true! And that is something I learned when studying psychology (that crying is not weakness) YET it is something I still can struggle with. At any rate, the doctor assured me that it was okay to cry and how he understood everything I was feeling, He told me that it was understandable even, given everything that had transpired over the past five or so years.
I still felt uncomfortable, and the lights were still TOO bright BUT I am so grateful that I went for it was then that I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Which are things that I handle without medication but instead in alternative ways (no, it doesn’t involve the use of marijuana). Things like mindfulness breathing; exercising; writing; podcasting; praying; and trying to focus on the good in life. YES, that includes not spending too much time on social media as well as doing better with putting my phone down to focus on being present -- whether by myself, with my cat, or with people in my life. Does it mean there’s no more anxiety and I never get sad? No. But it does mean that I am continuing to learn and as I do I continue to grow. I’m a work in progress. I feel if I hadn’t sought out help to understand myself better, I don’t know where I’d be today. Not in that not wanting to live anymore way, but in an overwhelmed way with sadness and anxiousness. Worse, not knowing what was causing it. Or even worse, not seeing that what I was experiencing was anxiety. Or even worse, worse, is being in denial at the possibility that I could be experiencing anxiety as I didn’t see it as something I could have.
So, yeah, we ALL need help. Even if we don’t think that or want to believe that because we may see seeking help as a sign that we are crazy or that we are weak – which, again, is not true. I hope maybe just maybe, for those that are on the fence with getting therapy, this blog can help you make the decision that is right for you. But no matter what: Please remember that there is help! You don’t even have to go to an office anymore as they have places like BetterHelp.com where you can have therapy online. Also, remember, you are not alone! We may all have different circumstances and issues going on in our lives, but we are only human, and it truly is okay to not be okay as long as we know that when we don’t feel okay that instead of trying to deal with things going on in our head with unhealthy stuff (as a way to escape: i.e. drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) think about talking to someone that can help. It may not be for you, but you won’t ever know if you don’t ever go. So ... go! ✌🏽🌻🫶🏽
Here are some useful links:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
For veterans:
https://www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/mental-health/
