
This is the full article I wrote, back in 2014, and it was actually published on Stanford Medical Scope Blog; however, due to it being over ten years ago it is no longer accessible. 👎🏽
Despite it being written a decade ago, no doubt I still struggle with survivor's guilt from time to time, most especially since I have had two recurrences, and I am still here thirteen years after the first diagnosis. As well as meeting some amazing (truly amazing) women that are no longer here because of the ugly disease that is ovarian cancer. 😢
I'm publishing this on my blog because I know that there are many people out there that struggle with survivor's guilt as well... regardless of it's from cancer or something else. I hope that maybe just maybe it will help someone out there to know that they are not alone. ❤️
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How I Survive Survivor's Guilt by Hope Aguilar
When I was in my second month of treatment for late-stage ovarian cancer I read a friend’s post on Facebook about her friend passing away from cancer after just six weeks of being diagnosed. I was so sad about this news and about the fact that I had made it past six weeks, and she hadn’t. Then when I was a few months out from finishing chemotherapy and back to teaching in Saudi Arabia, I found out that the woman who helped me when I was just starting treatment had passed from her five-year battle with ovarian cancer. I was again saddened, but even more so than before. This woman was just fifty years old and had a husband and children – she had so much life ahead of her. And that’s when survivor’s guilt first truly hit me.
I didn’t know that “survivor’s guilt” was the name of what I was feeling. I just knew that a part of me was torn. Torn between being so very grateful that I had made it (even though it hadn’t been very long) and anguished over knowing that I’m still here and this woman wasn’t. I did my best to not let the guilt bring me down too much: I kept moving forward, living each day to the fullest, and staying positive through all the post-chemotherapy problems I had. But every once in a while I would get that feeling of sorrow from the guilt that I survived and that so many others didn’t. I would read article after article about men, women, and/or children who lost their battle, and I would start to ask “why?” even more. Why them and not me?
I had no significant other in my life. I had no children who needed me. “So, why am I still here?” is what I would ask and think about. If I thought too long about it, I would start to cry, and as I cried I would call out to God and ask Him why. The answer that I believe God gave me was that that even though I didn’t have a significant other and children, I had people who loved me and needed me in their lives. And I still had some purpose here on Earth.
Did survivor’s guilt go away? No, and I don’t think it ever will – not completely. That said, something feels different each time that guilt pops up now. I don’t dwell on it. I remember those who love me. I think about all the ovarian-cancer awareness advocating I have done and will continue to do. I share my story in the hopes that other women will listen to their bodies thereby getting them to go to the doctor sooner rather than later. I share my story in the hopes that other survivors will share their stories too. Because when more people share their stories, more awareness will take place. And awareness is knowledge and knowledge is power.
For me, the way to survive survivor’s guilt is to live a life of purpose. To do more with giving back. And to remember that survivor’s guilt can rule you or you can rule it. I’ve chosen to rule it. I know it will come, and it will go, but it doesn’t have to stay. Not unless I let it. And I don’t, I won’t.
